Living with someone who is suicidal?

[Anonymous]

Dear friends,
we never can be sure what life is going to throw at us, and the past couple of days have been dreadful for me. My daughter took an overdose on Sunday evening, after both she and I thought she was safe following a long conversation where I’d talked her out of suicide.

From the training I’ve had, I know that you can only keep a person ‘safe for now’, as something else could happen to topple their balance, and this is exactly what happened on Sunday.

I am hugely grateful that she survived, but know that she is still in a very vulnerable place. It’s not that she wants to die, but rather that she is finding the pain within too much to bear and just wants it to end. Such is that pain, that she finds it overwhelming and her strength to fight it is minimal. There is little I can do, other than support her as best I can, and trust that the mental health support will also be there for her.

It’s a worrying place to be in, but this is the reality of the tension we live in.

For anyone else in this awful place just now, my heart goes out to you.

Take care of yourselves

Shalom (deep peace)
Helen

[amandaen]

My dear Helen

I’ve just logged in and seen your post, (I haven’t been here for a while). I’m so very sorry for you and your daughter, what a dreadful time. I know it is now a good few weeks on since she attempted to take her life. I do hope she is remaining safe and is calm. I hope you are coping and have some support yourself. Its such a dreadful and frightening time, especially for you as the fear of finding her having completed suicide is constant and exhausting. I am sending you my love and prayers for you and your daughter.
Amanda

[Anonymous]

Thank you Amanda,
it’s been pretty tough. I’ve been trying to take care of myself as I know how important that is, but it’s not easy with the constant worry I live with. I need a holiday but recognise that any time away at the moment will be just a different view to worry from!
The mental health support has yet to kick in, so for now, there is no more support than there was a month ago. Such are the lack of resources in the NHS.
My daughter took a week off work and is now back in the routine of keeping up the mask and hoping that nothing comes along to unbalance her. I have to let her lead her life, but the worry is always in the back of my mind. I shall feel slightly happier once the support is in place for her.
Thank you for the support and understanding
Shalom
Helen

[Anonymous]

Dear All,
how are you?
I hope you find this forum helpful – do make contact if we can support you in any way, or you have a question.
This forum is a mutual support space, where we all have the one awful thing that connects us, that we have someone who is suicidal living with us, or in our family.
It is such an exhausting, worrying situation to be living in, so it is important that we also look after ourselves.
Give yourself permission to do something that is life giving for you in the coming week.

Take care
Shalom (deep peace)

[amandaen]

Hello Helen and all

I saw your post yesterday before the ‘shit hit the proverbial fan”. You’re so right that we need to try to find time for ourselves, for others who are not caring for someone who is suicidal it may be a holiday or a day trip away, for us, its a cup of tea in quiet with a magazine, a bubble bath, a chat with that one trusted non-judgemental friend who doesn’t try to ‘fix’ everything but is just there to listen. I have recently come to realise how important this is, I felt guilty having any time to myself but realised that the pre-flight safety demonstration is important to every day life too – Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.

I think in our case this is so true. We are often on constant alert and its exhausting physically and emotionally. I went to the doctors recently with tummy issues and we talked about what was going on in my life, autistic suicidal son and death of my mother, she asked me what support I had, I realised I didn’t really have any and more’s the point, I hadn’t even questioned it.

So I propose that each and everyone of us loving unconditionally and supporting our loved ones, take a few minutes each day to care for ourselves too.

Tonight as I go to bed after a tough day with my son who has hit rock bottom again, I think of you all and hope that tomorrow brings us each a brighter day.

with love xxx

[Anonymous]

Hi Amanda,
I’m so sorry you’re once again dealing with the reality of the downturn. So hard. So painful. So frustrating that we can’t just make everything all right for those we love.
Keep loving. Keep looking after yourself. Seek support from whatever direction you can find it. And know that in as much as we can, you are supported here.
Shalom (deep peace)
Helen

[Jenny]

Hello, I’m new to this forum, I’ve been reading the posts and I can resonate with them all.

The first we found out about our Daughters battle with mental health issues, was in June this year.

She had been at Uni and was due to be coming home, when she texted me saying she’s in a mental health unit in the city where she’s studying. We had to go back to her accommodation to get clothes etc, but what I found shocked me.

There was a very hastily written suicide note, paracetamol snapped in half, lots of them and a discharge note from another hospital that we never knew she’d been in, stating that this was the sixth time she’d been admitted to A&E. To say I was upset was an understatement.

The mental health unit had sectioned her and I do believe self harming had taken place, as now she always wears a long sleeve top. She’d always had problems going back to when she was fourteen, she started self harming then, but, as I naively thought, she’d outgrown it, even CAMHS couldn’t find anything wrong with her.

She has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and takes medication for it, in which she does seem better, BUT, as you’ve all said, it’s a daily worry wondering if something will happen.
What I would like to ask is, have any of you found support for yourself and family?? And have you told other people, such as work colleagues about what’s happening?? At the moment I’ve told no one at work and they all think I’m just a miserable git, when really, I’m just worried.
I’m sorry if my post is long and it’s very haphazard, if I was to post everything, it would be about five pages long!!!

[Anonymous]

Dear Jenny,

I wish I could say it’ll all go away and everything will be alright, but that wouldn’t be honest of me.

Your story has many parallels with my own, and I have a little understanding of your pain and worry, but each story is unique.

My daughter is also BPD, and it’s a difficult diagnosis as many shy away from working with this condition. I’m pleased to hear that medication is helping your daughter, and trust that it will continue to help her.

As far as help for myself and family? I couldn’t find any, unless we presented with mental health issues ourselves, which we haven’t. This is the main reason for this forum – seeking to support each other and having a safe space to talk and be brutally honest about how hard it is.

I have told others. I am very honest, with my daughter’s agreement, and tell colleagues and friends about the reality that I live in. My daughter also writes a blog that she shares through Facebook, so there is no secret to her difficulties and attempts at suicide. Some people at work understand and are very supportive, but others think my daughter should ‘get over it’ and is attention seeking – there are always going to be one or two who don’t, or won’t understand mental illness. There might be better understanding at work for you and the issues you’re living with if you talk about them. Evidence shows that the more we talk about mental health, the better the society is at supporting and helping those who are affected.

I hope that, although erratic in when responses come, you will find that you are supported here. Sometimes just knowing that you’re not the only person dealing with these issues can lighten the weight of them a little.

One book I found very helpful in my understanding of BPD is ‘I Hate You… Don’t Leave Me’ by Hal Straus and Jerold Jay Kreisman. It explains things in a way that altered my perception of my daughter’s behaviour, for instance explaining that to the emotions, “People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.” Marsha Linehan.

I hope that this has been helpful. As I’ve said in many of the postings on this forum, please make sure you are looking after yourself. Papyrus (who have graciously allowed this forum on their site) are a point of contact for information and training on suicide prevention, and they are also developing part of the site for people in our situation. In time, we hope that more support will be available, but until then, talk with family and friends; talk to you daughter and let her know that you’re a safe pair of ears that will listen and not judge, but do make sure she has numbers for Papyrus and Samaritans to hand for those times when she needs someone else. Don’t try to do / be everything for her – you also need to live. Make sure you do some things that are life-giving for you and any other family you have.

Take care

Shalom (deep peace)
Helen

[Anonymous]

Dear all,

due to some issues with changing the web pages and problems with me being able to log on, I’ve been forced to be silent on here for some time! This doesn’t mean that I haven’t thought about those of you who have engaged with this forum over the time it’s been running and I trust that you are managing in what can be a very stressful situation?

Please do send a message and engage with this forum so that we can help one another. I am just a mum who has a daughter who has been suicidal for over 10 years and know the worry, stress and strain that this has caused to the whole family.

I know I’m not alone and there are others out there with similar situations so let’s seek to support each other in whatever way we are able.

Shalom (deep peace)
Helen

[Anonymous]

Just a quick reminder that Papyrus, who graciously allow this forum on their site, are there for those who are worried as well as those who are feeling suicidal. Family members, friends, colleagues can all get support through phoning the Hopeline 08800 068 4141 Don’t struggle on alone.

[Anonymous]

Dear all,

I’ve just heard from my daughter, who made her last serious attempt on her life on 13/05/18, that she has finally got her follow up ‘treatment’, six weeks of talking therapy. I know from past experience that this will finish just when it’s starting to help her, and then she will be back in the situation of being alone in trying to stay safe. The resources for this work, and the trained staff to do it are so thinly spread out that they are not as effective as is needed. It grieves me that the wait for treatment has been so long, and I feel so frustrated and helpless and yet grateful that it’s happening at all (and she’s still here to benefit). I’m sure I’m not alone in my worry and despair over this, but my heart goes out to anyone else in a similar situation.

Every blessing
Shalom (deep peace)

Helen

[Anonymous]

Hello! I haven’t been on here for over a year. Helen I’m so sorry to see that you and your daughter are still struggling but I’m so relieved to hear that, as you say, she’s still here. I was hoping that nearly 2 years since I first posted that I may have some positive news. There’s been moments and even weeks when Ive dared to think that my son is coming through this horrific depression. And then just as I dare to hope for a future it all goes horribly wrong again. He tried to take his life in March this year again, was found by the police who treated him (in my opinion) appallingly. We woke to find him not in his bed or the house, rang the police and all they would say and repeat was that ‘he was last seen alive and well’. They wouldn’t tell me where he was even though they knew of his previous suicide attempt and his mental illness. It wasn’t until 3.30pm that they rang me to say that they had him in a cell and they they had sectioned him. He would be transferred to the mental health unit at the local hospital and when he was there we could visit him. They didn’t transfer him till 10.30pm. During his time with the police he was given nothing to eat or drink. I am beyond angry.

Anyway, all this doesn’t change much at all. He did really well and got a job and has been there for a few months but has become increasingly depressed again and all he thinks about is how he can’t struggle on anymore and how much he really wants to die. I can understand him, his daily struggle must be utterly exhausting. I know I’m exhausted with living on a knife edge. Of waking up in fear every day incase he isn’t in his bed again. Of trying to find something positive to say to him and give him hope.

I’m sorry this is such a depressing post. I feel for each one of you also living with someone who wants to die and I send you hope, strength and a damn big hug. xxx

[Anonymous]

Oh Amanda, my heart goes out to you.
So much pain and worry and fear of what each day might bring.
I’m so sorry that your son is still in this battle field and that there are no easy answers. I pray that he will have the strength to continue to fight to stay alive and reach out for help when it’s all overwhelming for him.

I’m so sad that you had the experience with the police back in March. I know that they struggle to know how to deal with such situations themselves, and the priority is to keep the person safe, but no food or drink? That’s inhumane. No wonder you’re angry. I trust that you’ve made a formal complaint?

I trust that your son is still getting mental health support and has people beyond the family to talk to? He, and you, must be so worn out. That knife edge is such a fine line, but each day that he is here is a victory.

He matters and so do you.

Shalom (deep peace)
Helen

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your lovely reply Helen.

Its endless and exhausting isn’t it? I think I’d feel less bruised and battered if I’d spent a few hours in the ring with Mike Tyson! (showing my age!)

Anyway another week ahead and he has an appointment with a hypnotherapist he saw earlier this year, who was more helpful that anyone of the 10’s of people we have spoken to previously.

I haven’t made a formal complaint about the police – I don’t have the energy and I have such a negative view of them that I think that they would find a way to take it out on us.

I hope everyone has a positive week and each one of you and the people you care about can find some relief and peace in the days ahead.

With my love Amanda

[Anonymous]

Hi Amanda,
I really hope that the hypnotherapist can help your son and that you can start to breath again.
You sound as though you are really in need of a break, but I know how hard it can be to truly relax and be away from the stress, even for a day, when there is the continual worry for your loved one.
Please look after yourself.
Shalom
Helen

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